Gordon Larson (Interviewer): Good day Mr. Hearse, thank you for taking the time to speak to me.
Simon Hearse (Representing Black Lung Cigarettes): Absolutely, it’s great to be here. I really enjoy speaking to journalists.
Gordon Larson: Um, I don’t think I have ever had a representative from a tobacco company say that before. Let’s begin the interview. Historically, the tobacco industry has been very secretive when disclosing the negative effects of smoking. Why has Black Lung Cigarettes been so open to disclose the negative effects, even going as far as to disclose new ailments that have not been observed before?
Simon Hearse: Great question Gordon! We believe in our product and stand by all of the benefits it has to offer. We understand our product is not perfect, but we know our customers are smart enough to make an informed decision, especially when it comes to the benefits of smoking. As I’m sure you are aware, young people today are developing severe to debilitating anxiety rendering them unable to function. These young people are being prescribed anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals that are loaded with side effects. You see, tobacco offers the same remedy for severe anxiety, with the main difference being our product is 100% natural and not created in a lab. In this regard, we see ourselves as a pharmaceutical company and believe that if they have to disclose their side effects, we should too as we have nothing to hide.
Gordon Larson: So you view cigarettes as a pharmaceutical drug used to treat anxiety?
Simon Hearse: Yes that is correct. We have also observed some other benefits that include weight loss and increased bowel movement.
Gordon Larson: Over the past several decades, studies have shown the negative effects greatly outweigh the positives you have suggested. How do you put a positive spin for smoking with all the negative health concerns surrounding it?
Simon Hearse: You’re right, there are many negatives health effects to smoking cigarettes. You can also say there are many negative health effects as a result of eating processed food, drinking, gluten-free food, kissing your dog, going on social media and so on. Just because there are possible negative side effects does not mean you will get sick. Smokers have an average life expectancy of 72 years. If we had a country full of smokers, the average life expectancy of that country would be equal to the global average. We even have smokers who are over 100 years old who are still going strong.
Gordon Larson: Tell me more about the new ailments that have been observed in 40 year old plus males that have been smoking for over 20 years, in particular the cigarette brand you are representing, Black Lung Cigarettes?
Simon Hearse: This is a recent discovery that we are still investigating. However, our team has been doing studies and we are convinced there are several benefits to these new side effects. These very specific groups of smokers have reduced visceral fat around their vital organs and increased fat around the chest region. Further, we have noted the facial region has increase pigment around their lips and their cheeks providing extra protection from the sun.
Gordon Larson: So what you have described to me sounds like Black Lung Cigarettes is making these 40 plus year old men look like women wearing blush makeup and lip stick. I can’t imagine your customers will be thrilled about this news. How do you plan to address it?
Simon Hearse: We don’t see this being an issue long term. We believe our customers are mature enough to understand the changes going through their body are a good thing. It’s like hitting puberty again, but this time you’re much older and no longer a man. At Black Lung Cigarettes, we understand there are changes going on in our current social climate and we support our customer’s body alterations whether they wanted it or not. That is why are would like to start supporting the LGTBQXY$?+-5000 community by branding our products with these 40 plus year old former men.
Gordon Larson: Well Simon, you had an answer for everything. Thank you for your time.
Simon Hearse: My pleasure Gordon!
